War On Boxing Day!!?
Updated: Jul 22, 2020
As my more attentive readers know, I am an ordained minister of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude (Reformed, as I like the Eagles). Don’t believe the church is real? See for yourself: https://dudeism.com/.
Wayne Robey, Clerk of the Court for the Circuit Court for Howard County, noted in an email to an interested party that it would seem as though someone thus credentialed could, in fact, act as an officiant at weddings, funerals, etc…Of course, he acknowledged that his thoughts did not constitute “legal advice.” My follow-up to that is that I provide my services at highly reasonable rates.
But enough of that. You can imagine the intense chagrin I experienced upon reading an article in The Merriweather Post that stated that some local organizations were taking legal action to “shut down” the Symphony of Lights.
I have read The Merriweather Post, dare I say religiously, for 35 years. I have never seen a headline in that august publication that has filled me with such horror.
I make a pilgrimage to the grounds where the Symphony of Lights occurs every December. As I interpret the First Amendment regarding the free exercise of religion, it is not only a privilege but a right for me and my spiritual comrades to:
Drive very slowly through the winding paths as we look at the displays (and they damn well better be the same ones I saw last year),
Tune into a weak AM radio station with a four-song playlist and a signal that fades immediately after you cross Governor Warfield Parkway; and
Fork over $20 for the entire experience.
So, I am taking the American route to resolving this problem. I am suing everyone in sight.
Specifically, my attorneys will be pursuing legal action against (but not limited to): the Columbia Association, the Inner Arbor Trust, the DCACC, the IMA, County Executive Calvin Ball, Delegate Warren Miller, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, that barista who “forgets” that I want a five-pump chai tea latte, and many others. You will be hearing from my lawyers forthwith.
And God help Macy’s if they don’t have their holiday display up in September.